Days 67, 68 and into 69

Well, I was so excited when I picked Josh up at camp on Thursday, Day 67! They were outside waiting and Stephanie said I was going to be soooo thrilled - I'd have a beach towel to wash! She said Josh finally went into the swimming pool!!!! YEAH!!!!! He sat on the edge with his feet in the water. He would say, "All done, out of pool!" and then he'd start splashing around and having fun. Then he'd say, "All done, out of pool!" and start splashing around again! She said he had a great time! He did pull a little girl toward him and she got a little scared - Stephanie talked to the mom and she said the girl was fine, the girl said she was fine just a little scared but she was OK. Not sure why/how it happened but at least everyone was OK. Stephanie said Josh had only 1 PNES during the day and there seemed to be less hitting and nervousness (coincidentally (?) less heat and humidity!). YEAH!!! Besides the pool, they had gone to Lippold Park to play frisbee golf, volleyball, and mini-golf - Stephanie said he did a great job and had lots of fun! Even no laying down or anything getting on/off the bus! YEAH!!

Thursday night, though, Josh would not come upstairs to bed. I'd been thinking about this for a few days and decided who is it hurting for him to sleep downstairs - we do sleeping bag camp-outs in the family room and we sleep on the floor so what would be the big deal (except getting upstairs in the a.m. to get ready to go for the day). So I said, fine, sleep on the floor on the hospital sheet - good thing, he was drenched in the a.m. (Day 68) since he didn't/wouldn't go pee before going to sleep!

As I expected, the a.m. (Day 68) was really rough - extreme uncooperativeness getting upstairs to use the bathroom and take a shower. Lots of struggling, etc. He finally did get upstairs (good thing I left a lot of time in the a.m.!) and actually went into the shower with no problem. When I dropped him off at camp, I told Stephanie about the night before and the rough morning, said he'd probably have a marvelous day - and he did! When I picked him up early (had psychologist appointment), they were waiting out by the pool - and he had gone in the pool again! They had gone for a pontoon ride (I think at Crystal Lake) and Josh loved it! Stephanie said he got on/off the bus without any problem, on/off the boat without any problem, wore the life vest without any complaint, ate his lunch without any problem - just a marvelous day! At the beginning of the week of camp, I said to the counselors that by the end of the week, he'd be having a great time - do I know my kid or what!

We went to see the new psychologist yesterday - when we got there, Josh got out of the car just fine, walked up the curb, and then went down on the sidewalk into an overload (not a full PNES). The doc must have seen from his window because he came out and said, "This must be Josh!" I said, "Yep, and this is why we're here!" Josh got up within less than a couple of minutes and went right into the office. I like this guy, he had some good ideas on motivating Josh to get up to pee and stuff, Josh talked up a storm, the doc suggested teaching Josh more self-calming techniques that he'll hopefully get (he had PECS of the "stop, think, breath" thing like on Blue's Clues taped to his wall - so I pointed it out to Josh and reminded him that Blue says the same thing!), he has a small group of kids that do yoga in a studio next to his office and he suggested doing that (especially since Josh used to do yoga - haven't done it much lately), and we'll be doing "immersion therapy" - putting Josh into situations/settings that are anxiety-producing and working him through them - starting slowly and working into the full situation (sort of like those "fear of flying" type therapies) - doc will even come out to the car to work on getting in/out and moving through the process of coming into/out of the building. Josh did great during the session, as I said talking constantly. Doc said at one point (he and I were talking and Josh wheeled his chair - we were all sitting in wheely office chairs - directly in between us - gosh, ya think that meant something??) that Josh clearly likes being the center of attention! Uh, yep! After the session ended, though, it took Josh just about an hour to get out of the office. At first he wouldn't get out of the chair (he was having too much fun wheeling around the office), so doc wheeled him out to the waiting room (doc said he really didn't want to do that since it would reinforce the behavior - duh - but he did it anyhow), and Josh went down on the floor. He just would not get up (at least doc saw this and what I'm dealing with!). At one point, doc said, "I can see how this is stress-inducing." I chuckled and said, "That's an understatement. My doc says I need to reduce stress in my life." Doc laughed and said, "Maybe your doc needs to take Josh for a day!" Another patient came in and doc had to start that session - Josh was still on the floor. He eventually army crawled out of the office/waiting area into the hallway, then crawled the hallway out the door of the building. Unbelievable. Once we were out, I said to Josh," I'm leaving." I went and got into the car, turned the air on, and just sat for about 5-6 minutes - literally and figuratively cooling off. I went back and told Josh he needed to crawl up the stairs (there are 4-5 stairs down to the doc's office) if he's not going to get up. He turned over to crawl, went up one stair, and then just got up and walked right to the car as if nothing was wrong. Again, unbelievable. I was so angry and frustrated! As I was buckling him in he started to say something and I told him, "I'm furious and I don't want to talk to you right now." It was a very silent car ride home.

When we got home, I brought in stuff from the car and Josh tossed his gym shoes into the front seat. I told him he needed to bring his own shoes in, and I just went in the house. Within seconds, I heard his car door close, he came in the house carrying his shoes, put them down and went right to pee in the bathroom. I went to sit in the living room - when he came in to the living room I told him I was still furious and I was going to lay down on the couch, that I still didn't want to talk. He went into the family room, turned on the TV (The Nanny was on - yuck - and he didn't even ask for a Blue or train movie!), brought me his hospital sheet (I told him I don't need it, he does), and went back into the family room when I turned down the offer of the hospital sheet. I sort of dozed but kept an ear out - he wound up falling asleep. A friend came over to drop something off around 5:30 or so - when I checked on Josh, he had put the hospital sheet down perfectly on the couch (underneath his rear) and was sound asleep. He slept until almost 7:15. Very rough getting him upstairs to bed (I thought about letting him sleep downstairs again but decided I don't want him to get into that habit, and the morning had been rough getting him upstairs - didn't want a repeat) around 9:30 or so.

I know Dr. Madamala had said, in passing and in relation to these laying down things, that Josh was testing me. Don't know exactly what the testing is for - does he think if he does these things that he knows bug the heck out of me that I'll leave him, so he's testing how far he can push me? Or are these things just happening just because?? Does he think the lack of visit/communication with P is because of something Josh did (although I tell him that Daddy loves him and he is working hard and that's why he can't see Josh but he'll see him when he can - don't know what else I can tell Josh!), so he's testing me to see whether I'll "stick around" if he does things that create these problems? I tell him all the time that I love him, that I'm always going to be here no matter what he does (although I also tell him that I certainly don't like some of the things he does!) - maybe he's testing to see if that's the case? I know it's pretty sophisticated thoughts, but with the NV he's been thinking more abstractly (imagination has increased, understanding and engaging in more jokes and humor, etc.), and, what can't be forgotten, is that he is a kid first and kids of divorce do oftentimes go through this kind of thing. Maybe this is all divorce-related? Who knows?? Hopefully, working with Straube will get us all through this with minimal lasting damage!

This a.m., Day 69, I woke up a bit early and came down to have my coffee. Josh got up around 7:45 or so, went in to pee, brought some shorts downstairs, and we've just been lazing around. I want to get the lawn mowed before it rains (thought I heard thunder a minute ago) so I better get moving on that. Maybe a quiet day, maybe not - only time will tell. On, into the day!